Thursday, July 10, 2008

My Torrid Affair with Rivers Cuomo

Weezer Red

-Readers, please enjoy the first entry of many from a new contributor. -Mr. C

I have never been one to grow out of any band. You know, to say “I was into [insert band here] in like 7th grade but man, I had horrible taste in music then”. No, I maintain that since the pre-fetal stage, I have had impeccable taste in music. Furthermore, I proudly listen to the music I listened to in not only 7th grade, but since the aforementioned pre-fetal stage. This means that while sporting my “Clap Your Hands Say Yeah” t-shirt I am likely to be listening to Avril Lavigne on my iPod, which by the way, comes soon after Architecture In Helsinki and American Football on my “Artists” list. Despite this, one of my favorite pre pubescent favorites has, within the past three years, lost my love. The perpetrator: Weezer.

Thirteen year old me saw The Blue Album, Pinkerton, The Green Album, and Maladroit as pure genius so thoroughly that Rivers Cuomo became my sex god even before I had the faintest idea of what sex was. He was my desktop background, my imaginary boyfriend, and I even opted for wearing glasses so that I could be a little bit closer to him. But when “Beverly Hills” hit the airways in 2005, my heart broke. As we all know, that song sucked, sucks, and will forever suck, I just could not take it. I bought the album anyway, and was consoled by a few tracks that I thought made up for their downright offensive single. Cuomo was no longer my boyfriend, but because of said tracks we could at least be friends.

Jump forward three years later to modern day and the release of the “Pork and Beans” music video. When the video was first aired on MySpace I was so impressed with its cunning social commentary, quintessentially Weezer lyrics, and riff-based groove, that I instantly called Cuomo and told him that I would finally take him back. Not really. And thank [insert higher power of choice here] that I did not because the new album is even worse than Make Believe.

Don’t be fooled by its throwback self-title, Weezer (The Red Album) is casserole of bad lyrics, cheesy gang vocals, and unoriginal chord professions. And the icing on the stale fruitcake? Rivers Cuomo “raps” on four out of the ten tracks, and doesn’t even bother to do vocals on one (and this isn’t even including the equally bad “bonus tracks”). You can blame it on the fact that this was the first album that Cuomo co-wrote with his fellow band members, or on his new mustache. Regardless of the reason, this album is horrible.

So for the sake of your eardrums, don’t buy this album. If you are in desperate need of a Weezer fix, check out the “Pork and Beans” music video, or better yet, listen to anything off of their first four albums. If that doesn't suffice, try out the live "Black Sessions."
Weezer - Black Sessions - Circa 1995

3 comments:

Ana said...

I'm in the same boat. I have the green album and Make Believe. I'll even admit to liking some of the singles on those two albums. But make no mistake, post-Pinkerton Weezer was the pinnacle.

Anonymous said...

I WILL ADMIT SOME OF THE NEW SONGS ARE UNWEEZER LIKE, BUT DREAMIN,MS SWEENEY,PIG, ANGEL AND THE ONE, PORK AND BEANS, AND THE SPIDER, ARE ALL CLASSIC WEEZER SOUNDING SONGS. TROUBLEMAKER, GREATEST MAN THAT EVER LIVED, EVERYBODY GET DANGEROUS, AND HEARTSONGS, ARE ATTEMPTS TO MAKE RADIO FRIENDLY TRACKS FOR THE RECORD COMPANY. AUTOMATIC, THOUGHT I KNEW, AND KING, ARE GOOD SONGS THAT JUST DONT SOUND LIKE WEEZER. THIS IS NOT A BAD RECORD, IT JUST DOESNT SOUND LIKE YOU THINK WEEZER SHOULD SOUND LIKE. ALSO, I AGREE THAT BEVERLY HILLS SUCKS. IF YOU TAKE IT OFF MAKE BELIEVE , YOU HAVE IN MY OPINION, ONE OF THEIR BEST RECORDS.

Mo said...

I spent hours on end, when I was 15, listing to all those albums. The world has turned and left me here left me, is still a song i can listen to for hours.

Either I have moved on, or they just plain suck these days,